THE TEXTING STARTER KITCOACHKARMOS.COM
What's inside
You're on dating apps to date, not to text. Every message you send should move things towards a date in the most calibrated way possible.
The opener
The two elements that make a first message stand out, and the five mistakes that kill it.
4 types of texts women send
Common types of texts women send - and how to respond to them.
Three attraction builders
Make things relevant, make things man-to-woman, create intrigue.
01
The opener
An opener sets you apart from the boring, logical, generic texts she gets from other guys, and sets a vibe that naturally leads towards a date.
01 · THE OPENERSTEP #1
THE FIRST MESSAGEOpen
A good opening message makes you stand out from the boring, logical, generic texts she gets from other guys, and sets a vibe that naturally leads towards a date.
| 2 EFFECTIVE ELEMENTS | EXAMPLES |
|---|---|
| IntrigueMost effective method | ‘I have a theory about you’‘So maybe my mom was right after all’‘Did you put that thing in your photos on purpose?’ |
| Assumptions | ‘You look like you’d correct my grammar 😂’‘You look like you’re made out of 100% creatine’‘You look like the type to respond to Slack messages on a holiday 😂’ |
Unattractive texts. Insecure and inauthentic.
Not relevant. Boring, logical, and generic.
Not man-to-woman. Exchange of information.
Too long. 18 words or more, there are some exceptions.
Not calibrated towards her blueprints. A high-sexual message to a low-sexual woman, or a comfort-opener to a woman with a value bias.
- OkCupid, 2009. In an analysis of 500,000+ first messages, openers that mentioned specific interests or showed they'd read the profile got more replies, while physical compliments got fewer.
- van der Zanden et al., 2022. Dating texts that felt original, with specific personal details instead of clichés, made the writer seem smarter, funnier, and more attractive.
OkCupid is a commercial study, but consistent with my own research and experiences.
02
4 types of texts women send
Knowing what types of texts women send and how to respond to them to move things forward.
02 · 4 TYPES OF TEXTS WOMEN SEND1 AND 2 OF 4
Knowing what types of texts women send and how to respond to them is peak calibration. It shows you're socially intelligent, able to deal with obstacles, and able to move things towards the date.
‘Shy or busy?’
‘I guess we’re breaking up’
‘Why are you not responding?’
Agree and exaggerate: ‘I know, I’m the absolute worst’
Misinterpret: ‘Aaawh, that’s the sweetest thing I’ve heard all week :)’
Be unreactive: ‘Lol’
Flip the frame: ‘I was worried you’re gonna be one of those boring sweet girls, happy to see you’re an absolute menace 😂’
I’m not an asshole..
You’re no angel either..
02 · 4 TYPES OF TEXTS WOMEN SEND3 AND 4 OF 4
Value signal: Good, just got back from a city trip with friends. You?
Curiosity: Good! Just trying to figure out a random dilemma. You?
Playful: My day’s been amazing honestly. Might get even better if …
I’m doing well. And you?
Busy with an important project for my business.
Okay-ish. Had better days.
value signal: I spend most of my time traveling for projects... but currently trying to figure out if you’re the girl my grandma used to warn me about 😂
Curiosity: I love my job, but I can’t share it over text. Need to make sure you’re not a corporate spy first ;)
Qualify: I’m working on [...], I love it. Are you passionate about what you do?
I’m a software engineer.
I work as a software engineer. I just got promoted, which I’m excited about. Gonna start next week in my new role and boss people around.
03
Three attraction builders
Every builder increases value, comfort or both, and that builds overall attraction.
03 · THREE ATTRACTION BUILDERSBUILDER 1 OF 3
BUILD ATTRACTIONMake things relevant
When you ask her random questions, even about topics she likes, you're just gathering information. It feels logical and boring. In contrast, when you make the topic relevant to her, what does this say about her? You create intrigue and spark emotions.
| 3 KEY WAYS | EXAMPLE |
|---|---|
| Playful assumptions | Her: 'I like salsa.' You: 'So you're gonna be overly obsessed with my hip movements' |
| Qualification / screening | Her: 'I like salsa.' You: 'My type.' |
| Unique / personalized | Her: 'I like salsa.' You: 'Your tied-up hair and flared dress kinda gave it away..' |
Not making things relevant: asking logical questions about her interests.
Moving too fast without a 'you and her' relevance.
- Tamir & Mitchell, 2012. Talking about ourselves activates the brain's reward system, and people are even willing to give up money to do it.
- Collins & Miller, 1994. A meta-analysis found that people come to like others more as a result of opening up to them.
03 · THREE ATTRACTION BUILDERSBUILDER 2 OF 3
BUILD ATTRACTIONMake things man-to-woman
Flirting is the one element that separates a platonic interaction from a romantic one. It creates the 'man-to-woman' tension that naturally leads to sex and relationships.
| 3 KEY WAYS | EXAMPLE |
|---|---|
| Compliment | '[Name], you're lowkey adorable.' |
| Tease | 'I'm gonna pretend I didn't just read that.' |
| Push-pull | 'I don't know if we'll get along, but you seem interesting.' |
Have platonic conversations.
Flirt in a cheesy, gamey, or gimmicky way.
Being too generic with your compliments and teasing.
Compliment her looks (this doesn't make her feel unique).
Go overboard with the flirting.
- Hinge Labs, 2025. In a survey of 30,000 Hinge daters, most women still waited for men to make the first move.
- Eastwick, Finkel, Mochon & Ariely, 2007. Being uniquely liked was more likely to inspire positive reciprocity than being liked in a general way.
03 · THREE ATTRACTION BUILDERSBUILDER 3 OF 3
BUILD ATTRACTIONCreate intrigue
Curiosity hooks and open loops work so well because they create intrigue by opening a knowledge gap in our minds. Our brains hate unanswered questions, especially when they're about us, so the open gap turns into a mental itch that can only be relieved by getting the answer.
Set an open loop or curiosity hook once or twice in your early text interactions. For example, 'Can I be honest?' or 'I have a theory about you'. Popular hooks like these only work if she hasn't seen them before.
Overdo them in a short time span.
Use gamey curiosity hooks. For example, 'There's one question I ask on first dates that almost always surprises people.'
- Loewenstein, 1994. Curiosity is a form of cognitively induced deprivation arising from the perception of a knowledge or understanding gap, functioning much like a drive state (similar to hunger), motivating people to seek out the missing information to relieve the feeling.
WHERE THIS CAME FROMTHE ONLINE DATING BLUEPRINT
What you just got
This kit is a piece of 10X Your Texting, one of the three playbooks in the Online Dating Blueprint. This is how much of it you now have.
IN THIS KIT
Relevance, man-to-woman, intrigue.
The four that show up in the first ten messages.
You can open. The other four steps take her to the date.
IN THE FULL PLAYBOOK
- The other 5 attraction builders, including how to build and break rapport and how to qualify her
- How to deal with the other 6 types of texts - flirty banter, logistics, flaking, and handling her concerns
- The other 4 steps of the framework - flirty banter, evaluation, close, and confirmation
- All 9 rules, including her texting blueprint, how to hold your frame, and how to spot the hookpoint